Monday, April 7, 2008

This Summer's Hottest Thriller!!!:

SNAKES IN A CLOSET! (Dun-Dun-Dun!!!)

Coming soon to a theater near you!

In this summer's hottest thriller, "Snakes in a Closet", the prequel to "Snakes on a Plane" is unleashed on sleepy, unsuspecting suburbia! Staring Colette Williams as herself; the movie opens with our heroine stumbling upon a deadly reptile poised to strike her down as she reaches into a linen closet for a beach towel. Dr. Chris, and the Williams' brothers rush to her rescue after receiving her frantic call for help!

OK- so here is the story. Friday, Colette and a friend decided to head to the beach, so she went to the linen closet in the downstairs bathroom, when I hear her yelling, "OH my GOODNESS! Oh My!" I asked what her problem was, and she's barely able to squeak out that "there's a S, S, SN, SNAKE in the closet!" I didn't even believe her at first. Then I saw her face and had to believe her! After we secured the premises, (see above picture) I did question her in depth about what it looked like, and made SURE it wasn't a lizard, or a fake snake. She assured me it moved, and I got what I believed to be an accurate description of the intruder: big and brown with a little yellowish on it. OK, so the description was a little shaky, but I was pretty sure it WAS A snake so I called MY dad to see what he thought it might be. First he was a smart alec and said he definitely thought it was a snake. Well, DUH! Then he wanted to know if I had seen it. HECK NO! You really think that I would willingly go into a small confined space with a reptile of unknown deadliness??? He didn't think it was poisonous, so I relaxed a little, but not Colette. She was perched on top of the piano bench clinging to her friend, Emily, both of them quivering in fear. She was screaming, "Get it out! Get the snake out -of- the- house!" For some strange reason she thought I was going in there and removing the snake, MYSELF. She must have been delirious from the shock, but there was no way I was going anywhere near that thing!

So I told her to call her dad. She was hysterical! Screaming into the phone that he had to come home RIGHT NOW! That there was a HUGE SNAKE IN THE BATHROOM! I tried to get her to calm down so that he could understand her, but I wound up having to wrestle the phone from her and tell him the story. That's when he asks me, "Have you seen the snake?" What is with all these crazy people wanting me to close myself up in a bathroom with a snake?! What makes them think that is something that I would do? Anyway, Chris was on his way back to the house, and he would take care of "it".

When he got there the kids rushed in before him announcing, "Never here the Snake Hunters are here!"
The first thing they did was press their ears to the door. I asked what they were doing. "Can you hear anything?", one hunter asked the others. "Nope, how about you?", was one's reply. So- they decided to knock, but surprisingly... the the snake did not answer them. "I think he's ignoring us.", the third one stated. So they headed off, I think to find more exciting things to occupy their attention. Meanwhile, Colette and her friend are still on top of the piano bench, and Chris starts bringing in shovels, yes, that's plural, as in more than one. I never have figured out why he needed more than one shovel, but hey, he was the one dealing with the deadly rattler. That's what this snake had grown into; a big, fat rattle snake, coiled and ready to strike at the next person to come in that bathroom. Remember, Colette is still the only one to have seen this snake, so we really had no idea what was in there, so it COULD have very well been a deadly creature of mass destruction. By now both Monica AND I had realized that we had gone into the same closet just minutes before Colette, and not seen this monster. Strange to think that we missed it!

Chris disappeared outside through one of the many doors that had been propped open. I was told by the Snake Hunters that these were to give the giant killer escape routes, should he get out from his confinement. When I turned back to the door I found this:
The boys had returned with Air Soft guns, locked, loaded, and trained on the door. Just waiting for some sign of movement. "Did you see something move?" "Nope, did you?" "Nope, keep watching, though." After a few seconds of a lot of NOTHING happening they decided to be brave and go in after it.
JP: "Open the door, Grant."
Grant: "I'm not opening that door! You open it!"
JP: "Just open the door, don't be a wuss!"
Grant: " NO! You open the door."
JP: "Fine. Brian. Open the door."
Brian: " Uh-uh. NO WAY! You open the door if you want it opened so badly!"
JP: "Jeez! You guys are wimps! Shannon, open the door on three!"
ME: "You are nuts! And none of you are opening that door. So just chill, and back away from the door!"

So they took off to find something else to use as target practice, or so I assumed. About this time Chris tells that he has a "professional" on the way, and that he should be here soon. Celine decides to be the lookout, and announces "He's here! He's here!" about every 30 seconds or so. When the guy does show, he looked to be as old as Moses, and came armed with an empty box that once held kitty litter, and a couple of long poles with grabby claws on the end. Without missing a beat, the "Snake Charmer" guy, who was obviously over 80 years old, tries to open the bathroom door, but- it was locked. Colette had locked the door as she fled the bathroom! Why? I have no clue. It's not like the thing had opposable thumbs, jeez! After we got the door unlocked the gentleman quickly caught the monster, which turned out to be not so monstrous. In fact, it was a Gardner snake. a SMALL, THIN, GREEN snake with YELLOW STRIPES along its sides. Oh, and it was about a foot and half long. Some monster, huh? The "Snake Charmer" put the little guy in his bucket and carted him off to be released in the woods.

This has led to untold numbers of snake references, jokes, and pranks. I brought a bag of fake snakes and hid them on or in each of their desks. They found them one by one, and none of them were really frightened by them, they just thought that they were funny. Brian had fun pretending that his was real, and stalking him while he worked.

OK, so that is the snake story. Sorry that there wasn't more of a dramatic end, or even pictures of the little fellow. It all happened so quickly that I couldn't get one. It is interesting though, that latter that evening we were sitting by the pool when a large black snake slithered onto the deck. THIS one I did see, and he was pretty big. No exaggeration! I have no idea what type he was, but the kids did get a few shots with the Air Soft guns in. Grant hit him twice, but don't fear all you animal lovers out there, he was unhurt, just spooked. It obviously didn't scare him too badly, though, because he came back about five minutes later. UH! (**Shivers!**)

Be good and God bless!

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