Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Blessings...

I have been so overwhelmed with all the things going on these past few weeks.  All wonderful things, mind you, but they still make life hectic.   I "complain" about how I have sooo much to do, and absolutely no time for myself, but right now I'd give anything to have that hectic feeling right now.  Maybe then I'd have less time to have thoughts like the ones I've been having the past few days...

I am so blessed.  I have so many wonderful people in my life.  Between my family and friends, most of who are more like family, I couldn't ask for more.  I have been given so much... yet I want more.  Sometimes I feel guilty that there are times when I look at my sister's sweet children I wonder why I have no children of my own.  Or when I hear that another of my friends are expecting a precious little one, my heart cries out for the family I don't have yet, and while I'm ashamed to admit it, I fear I may never have.  I will be the first person to admit that I am perfectly suited for my profession as a nanny, and not just because it happens to be my last name, but loving these children allows me to pacify my own "mother's heart" as well.  I look at these crazy, frustrating, entirely lovable munchkins and can almost see myself with my own children... someday.  Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am not a very patient soul, at least not when it comes to waiting for BIG things.  OK, maybe not with the little things either, (Like waiting at a stop light- that KILLS me!!) but I do try.  This waiting, though, is killing me.  

My sister has the most amazing family.  Her kids heal and break my heart at the same time.  I can't wait to see them each week, and I'm so very sad to see them go.  We are a very close family, and I am blessed that I usually get the opportunity to spend Sunday playing with them and I cherish that time.  I don't know what I would do if they lived far from us, I can't even imagine it.  Katie's three kiddos are my heart.  I love hearing about them, I love laughing with them, I love watching them grow into the little people they will become.  But as much as I love this it makes me ache for my own.  

I never really felt this way with the Williemas kids.  I love them terribly, but it's different.  In many ways I am a mom to them.  That's what this blog is all about; bringing them from diapers to drivers' licenses and beyond... Being with them has made me realize what a wonderful mother I'd be, or would like to be.  They have given me the opportunity to learn how to be a great mom, and all along I've viewed this time with them as the chance to become the super mom I've always wanted to be...  Now I'm beginning to wonder if this time with them is the only time I'll have to be a mother...

Most of you don't know that for many years I strongly considered becoming a nun.  In fact I had decided that it was what God wanted for me.  But after much prayer and many tears I realized that it was more what I thought God wanted from me.  I can't imagine not having been here for my nieces and nephew, not to mention that I would have missed out on all these years with Brian and Celine.  The fact that I would never have children of my own was one of reasons that helped me realize that the life of a religious sister was not my calling, though there are times when I second guess that decision if only because I have yet to find "Mr. Right" and start our family.  If motherhood is my vocation, wouldn't I be one by now?  Being with the Williemas Family has helped me realize that I would LOVE a large family!  If only...

I'm sorry this is such a downer of a post.  I started thinking about how I live a blessed life, and I really believe this!  I've been reading some of my friends' blogs, friends who are going through some very trying times, and I know how very blessed I am.  I just don't know why I've been overwhelmed by these feelings of sadness lately; crying at the drop of a hat, feeling lonely, wondering if I'll ever get the chance to be the ONE thing I really want to be...  A mom.

Maybe I'm ovulating...  (that's for you, Katie!)  This too shall pass...

Have a blessed journey to the Cross this Holy Week!

4 comments:

Yvette said...

It's so easy to say trust in the Lord, but it's so hard to live it. I'm there with you, my beloved friend. You are always in my prayers. Don't give up hope yet. God works in mysterious ways, and not always in the way we think...

CatholicGirl said...

It's crazy, but even as I re-read this post and your comment I well up! I think there may be something wrong with my plumbing.... It's been a long time since I had a good cry. That could be the problem, too.

Thanks for your love and support, Roomie!

packey said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Betty

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Katie said...

Well, I have been very infrequent online lately with all my technology problems. I have prayed for years that God may have His will in your life, and that maybe if I TOLD Him what his will was,that maybe it would happen faster! As I have found in my own life, you cannot tell Him what HIS will is. I know in time it will be revealed to you what your vocation in life is. I know that if your are to be a mother, you will be an amazing one! I will continue to pray for God's will in your life. In the mean time, if you want to spend more time with my kids in the bear future, Chris and I could use a night out alone!! Just not next week when I am ovulating!